With all of the Watt brothers (JJ, Derek, and TJ) soon to be in the NFL, the topic of football families has been on my mind as of late. The NFL has had its’ fair share of All-Star football families. Names like Tiki and Ronde Barber, Michael and Martellus Bennett, Derek and David Carr (Sorta), and of course the Manning Brothers and their father Archie often come up in the conversation of the legendary NFL relatives. All those players are fine (They’re not), but over the years I have accumulated a large mental storage of the ALL TIME GREATEST NFL BROTHERS. The following list are personal favorites (they should be yours too). I will also pick which brother I prefer.
- Marion “The Barbarian” Barber III and Dominque “I Under-Achieved in the NFL” Barber
I know it seems weird that I have two players from the Get-Right State (Minnesota) on this list, but these two are an exception. The sons of former Jets RB Marion Barber JR. both flourished during their college years, Marion becoming the fourth all-time leading rusher at the University of Accused Rapists, AKA; They probably did it U (University of Minnesota), and getting awarded the Music City Bowl MVP (The Most Important and Prestigious Bowl) in 2004. The younger Dominque had his own list of impressive accomplishments, including Second Team All-Big Ten in 2007. During each of their respective transitions to the NFL, one proved to be more valuable than the other. Marion was drafted in the 4th round by the Dallas Cowboys. Although he did not impress The Big Tuna, Bill Parcels, in his first few months in the Big League, Mr. Barber came into his own (hehe). Marion had a breakout year in 2006 with over 500 yards rushing and 14 TD’s. The following season, he came back with a vengeance by rushing for over 900 yards and another 10 TD’s. After Marion’s career was all said and done, he had over 4500 career rushing yards and 53 career rushing touchdowns. Not too shabby for a kid that was born in raised in such a terrible state. Dominque’s luck in the league was a bit mediocre when compared to his brothers, being that he was a 6th round pick and only started 7 games in his whole career. BUT, Dominque did nab one interception and had one sack throughout his whole career, which Marion NEVER did. Therefore, Dominque Barber gets the edge for me.
- Terry “My-Dick-Is-Covered-In-Shingles” Bradshaw and Craig “Huge Chawski” Bradshaw
Okay…This is one obvious. Terry is an All-Timer with Alzheimers (and shingles). He’s a HOF’er, a four-time Super Bowl champ, and a two-time MVP in the big game… But Craig went to Utah State, started balling before balling was a thing, and then got drafted in the 7th round by the Oilers (R.I.P Oilers). Craig apparently played in two games his rookie year, but no one is completely sure of that. There are no stats on Craig FUCKING Bradshaw besides the fact that he played in two games in the NFL, seriously. So lets compare stats quick. Terry has a career TD-INT ratio of 212-210, while Craig has a ratio of 0-0, therefore making Craig better because of the remarkable point that HE NEVER TURNED THE BALL OVER. Craig is the better brother. Oh, and by the way, if anyone tries arguing that Terry Bradshaw was great and wasn’t completely and totally carried by the “Steel (beef) Curtain” defense/strong running game of Franco Harris, Terry threw three INTs in Super Bowl XIV and the Steelers still won 31-19. Go and get fucked.
- Koy “Fucking-Kill-Me-And-My-Terrible-Neckbeard” Detmer and Ty “I’m-Better-Than-Brett Favre-Cause-I-Have-A-Heisman” Detmer
First things first, fuck the names Ty and Koy. These two brothers failure was set in motion at the moment of birth.
Fun fact: Ty’s and Koy’s fathers name is Sonny :-).
I’ll start with Ty.
Ty Detmer was highly recruited out of high school, and decided to go to BYU because of the alcohol-free environment (He said that in an interview, I swear). Wooptie-Fucking-Doo, I don’t care if Ty Detmer won the Heisman Trophy/Maxwell Award/Davey O’ Brian Award (twice)/Sammy Baugh Award and was a two-time consensus All-American/ended his college career with 59 individual records/got inducted into the College Football Hall of Fame, and then got drafted by the Packers, and then won his first four career starts/led the Eagles to a playoff birth, and then set the record for most interceptions thrown in a game (7) during his stint with the Lions. Ty is automatically disqualified from any list of my favorites, simply because he refuses to sit down with his broski’s, crack open a cold Bushe Latte (or whatever your preferred beverage is), and talk about hard tits and ass till the cows come home (AKA; the wives). TY DETMER IS THE REAL REASON AMERICAN DEMOCRACY IS IN SHAMBLES, THE REASON THE ECONOMY IS FAILING, AND THE REASON THAT THE BADGERS LOST ON A BUZZER BEATER TO FLORIDA . Some of you might ask, “Sonny, is it really that big of a deal? It’s just booze.” Oh really? IT’S JUST BOOZE? Alcohol is the thread that holds the moral fabrics of the Human race together, and I will sexually assault anyone that says differently (thats a joke).
Anyway, I like Koy Detmer more because in seven of his eight NFL seasons he ended with more INT’s then TD’s… And thats pretty neat.
Oh and also I guess John Harbaugh once said that Koy is really good at holding place kicks, and thats why he was in the league for eight years.
- Joe “I-Stand-By-Ray Rice’s-Decision-To-Beat-His-Wife” Flacco and Mike “Joe Flacco-Has-A-Brother?” Flacco
Uhhhhhhhhhh….I don’t have a whole lot to say about any of them. I like Joe, even though I did say that he is an advocate for the practice of domestic violence. The real reason I like Joe is because of these commercials.
Mike is mostly a baseball player trying to be an NFL Tight End, but he’s pretty handsome. Although, he played D2 football. I can only respect NCAA D1-FBS, NCAA D1-FCS, NCAA D3, NAIA, and NJCAA athletes. D2 players are just pricks. That means Mike Flacco loses too.
Soooooooooo, Tom Flacco wins. He’s the most handsome, the better athlete, and plays D1-FBS, but wasn’t a cock about it and decided to play in a small conference. He’s currently a QB at Western Michigan University, and a hopeful starter for the upcoming season. Honestly, he’s the man of my dreams.
In conclusion, my favorite Flacco is Tom.
- Michael “The-Dogs-Were-Just-Playing” Vick and Marcus “I-Might-Of-Fooled-Around-With-A-15-Year-Old-When-I-Was-20” Vick
I saved the best for last.
This one is definitely a tough cookie to crumble. Tougher than a $2 steak. Tougher than Connor Wears’ post defense during a pick-up game. Tougher than the dogs that Mike Vick used to fight and bet on in his backyard compound. Tougher than the herpes that Mike Vick had. Tougher than the choice that Mike Vick had to make to use the name Ron Mexico while getting tested for the previously mentioned herpes. Tougher than the police officer that Marcus Vick punched in the face while resisting arrest… You get the point.
It would be unfair to compare these two based on actual football skill, stats, and success, because obviously Marcus would win. So, I think I’ll compare the two V-Tech QB/s based on their police records.
So as you can tell, Marcus reigns supreme over the Vick family and wins the award for my OVERALL Favorite NFL brother. He’s an All-time Little Guy, Bad Boy. I tip my hat to you, Marcus…Wherever you are…Godspeed.
A couple other fun facts about Marcus Vick:
- During a game at West Virginia, he flipped the bird to the entire crowd.Unfortunately, he later apologized.
- During the 2006 Gator Bowl against Louisville, Marcus stomped the leg of a defenseless Elvis Dumervil. Vick pulled a Ndamukong Suh before it was cool, and claimed it was an accident. Also said he apologized to Dumervil. Dumervil later said Vick never reached out or made an apology. That is Vintage Marcus Vick right there, ladies and gents.
- When Marcus finally got thrown off the Virginia Tech football team for good, he was quoted saying “It’s not a big deal. I’ll just move on to the next level baby.”
- The fun fact above is 150% true. Look that shit up.
I want to personally thank you all for following me on the journey through my favorite NFL brothers. I hope you gained tons of valuable, legitimate, and fact-based knowledge from this article. Also I hope you enjoyed my excessive and completely unnecessary use of parenthesis throughout. I love you all.
Sonny Anderson, The Greatest Football Mind on the Internet.