Almost Two Weeks Late and A Couple Bucks Short Draft Recap AKA; THE ONLY DRAFT RECAP YOU NEED

2004 NFL Draft

Sup dicks and chicks.

Alright, so the draft was last week. Many of us watched, but we here at Balls, Sacks, & Hard Wood realize that many of us did not have the ability to watch the draft in it’s entirety. Perhaps you were at work. Or maybe you were on your 8th hour of rolling head off molly in the backseat of a cop car. In reality, we all know you just didn’t give a fuck. No matter what your shitty reasoning is, your ole’ pal Sonny has the plug on a easy-to-understand, down-to-earth, REAL FOOTBALL FANS draft recap. I’ll give all 32 teams a pre-season/pre-training camp grade, and give a short, one to three sentence summary of their draft.

Oh and by the way, the reason I waited so long to get this recap out is because I wanted to be HIV positive about every single grade, not because I’m a lazy piece of shit that drinks excessively while alone in my room to deal with my extreme social anxiety and crippling depression. So, just realize that every single word in this article was turned around in my absolutely fucked, ADHD mind extensively. Hold onto your butts…

THE GRADES

  • Arizona Cardinals: B+
    • I couldn’t get them in the A’s simple for the fact that they didn’t bring in a QB to marinate behind Carson Palmar, buuuuuuut I love the defensive picks that the Cardinals made. Hasan Chronicles-of-Reddick and Budda Baker are both going to be a big-time type players, and their O-line picks in the middle rounds will also prove to be useful. They also had two of the biggest steals in the entire draft by taking Chad Williams (WR) in the 3rd, and Ruby Ford (S) in the 6th.
  • Atlanta Falcons: B-
    • I agree with trading up to get Takk McKinley, however I don’t agree with giving up three picks in order to get to that spot. They improved their defense as a whole, but the secondary, in my opinion, is still under construction. Although taking Damontae Kazee (CB), who is underrated as FUCK, will help a a lot. They could of taken a safety in the fifth round, but nooooooooooo. They decided to take a FUCKING RUNNING BACK. Whatever Atlanta, have fun choking on Aaron Rodgers’ jizz during the Falcons-Packers Week 2 matchup.
  • Baltimore Ravens: A-
    • Could the Ravens of benefited a metric fuck-ton from drafting a wide receiver? Yes 100x over. However, six out of the seven guys that Baltimore drafted can fill a team-need RIGHT this second. Congrats Ravens fans!
  • Buffalo Bills: B
    • I’m not sold on the high-second round pick Zay Jones (WR), but every other guy they took was pretty good. Nothing too surprising, besides the drafting of Nathan Peterman (QB) in the fifth round. I’m predicting a dope-ass battle in training camp for the QB2 position between Peterman and Cardale “12-Gauge” Jones, which will keep me glued to NFL Network.
  • Carolina Panthers: F-
    • First off, fuck the Panthers for taking McCaffery. I really wanted the Pack to trade up or maybe for Christian to fall, but neither happened and now McCaffery is doomed to mediocrity (Quote me in three years on that one, mother fucker). Secondly, the Panthers royally fucked up by not taking DeShone Kizer. KIZER HAS THE BODY OF CAM NEWTON AND THE BRAIN OF TOMMY FUCKING BRADY. YOU COULD RUN A SINGLE WING OFFENSE WITH BOTH KIZER AND NEWTON, AND CHANGE THE NFL FOREVER…But no…You had to be “sensible”. They also drafted a cornerback named Corn Elder. Take that as you wish.
  • Chicago Bears: A+
    • I’m saying this in hopes that I’ll choke on my words and jinx the Bears. Mitchell Trubisky is gonna run the NFC North for the next 15+ years. They also brought in Eddie Jackson (S) who is, for-real, the next Rod Woodson. Oh and drafting a guard in the 5th round will totally patch together your horseshit O-line.
  • Cincinnati Bengals: Dick
    • The Bengals drafted a kicker in the 5th, automatically making their whole draft detestable. Fuck off Cincy.
  • Cleveland Browns: A++
    • Only one name that matters… DeShone Kizer. Go Browns.
  • Dallas Cowboys: A-
    • This makes me really made, cause I despise the Cowgirls, BUUUUUUTTT they brought in two of my boner-riffic cornerbacks in the draft, Jourdan Lewis and Chidobe Awuzie. Also they drafted Ryan Switzer (WR), who seriously played 17 years for the North Carolina Tar Heels, so he’s a pro-ready type guy.

 

  • Denver Broncos: B
    • Swag Kelly, Dab Kelly, Bad Kelly…Chad Fucking Kelly. This could honestly be chapter 2 of one of the greatest football stories ever told. Kelly is going to be around John Elway, and who is a better figure to follow then Elway? This will be MAGICAL. Broncos also got Jake Butt (TE), so cool. 
  • Detroit Lions: B+
    • The Lions only drafted guys who could come in immediately and compete. This is no more evident than in the drafting of Teez Tabor (CB), who is going to add so much to last seasons weak Detroit secondary.
  • Green Bay Packers: B
    • Year after year, I never know what to think about the Packers draft. This year, I love the Vince Biegel (EDGE), Aaron Jones (RB), and Malachi Dupre (WR) picks (the Kevin King and Josh Jones picks are a given for me to like). Go Pack Go.
  • Houston Texans: C+
    • All of Houston’s draft was a shit-show. Picking a Zach Cunningham in the 2nd round was sort of a head-scratcher for me. He’s an amazing athlete and a instinctual ball player, but you need defensive backs…badly. Who do you expect to cover Corey Davis, T.Y Hilton, Dede Westbrook, Allen Hurns, Allen Robinson, Delanie Walker, and even Rishard Matthews? You play these guys twice a year, and you think Jonathan Joseph’s old ass will be able to keep up with a bunch of damn talented receivers. Alright, you do you, Texans. Have fun losing in the first round to a healthy Derek Carr and the Raiders. Fuckers.
  • Indianapolis Colts: B-
    • Chris Ballard, Colts GM, said “…We need to build-up our fronts.” Well, you took a tweener D-End that will most likely end up playing outside backer in a 3-4 defense, then an unproven O-tackle, and then a fixer-upper defensive tackle that won’t play for at least two years. Thats all the work you did to your fronts, Mr. Ballard. Although I do love the Malik Hooker and Quincy Wilson picks.
  • Jacksonville Jaguars: A fucking plus
    • So-called draft “experts” (All writers on ESPN/NFL.COM ‘cough cough’) are all saying that the Jags need a QB. FUCK THAT. Bortles is your guy and this is his year, I promise.  All their picks were home-runs. Leonard Fournette (RB) and Cam Robinson (OT) were both gargantuan picks. Dede Westbrook and Blair Brown were both steals. Also, they took a fullback in the 7th round which is a must for any successful football team. Get ready, AFC South. It’s the year of the Jaguars.
  • Kansas City Chiefs: B
    • Taking 2PM (my new name for Pat Mahomes) with the 10th overall pick was surprising, but I love it. Alex Smith isn’t going to be around forever to throw 2-yard out routes with his pathetically small hands. 2PM is going to boil in the Andy Reid’s stew for about two years, and then blow his load all over the AFC West. Kareem Hunt in the 3rd round was a great pick as well.
  • Los Angeles Chargers: B-
    • Yeeeeeaaaaaaahhhh… I probably would of taken a QB at some point if I was the Chargers. Drafting stud receiver Mike Williams with the 7th overall pick is, I’m guessing, the Chargers way of saying that they’re in a “Win Now” mentality. They took steps to beefing up an often injured O-line by taking brawlers like Forrest Lamp and Dan Feeney. Taking a pair of high-ceiling safeties in the top half of the draft was also good.
  • Los Angeles Rams: A+
    • I have four words to describe the success of this draft. The Cooper Kupp pick. He will dominate the NFL with Jared Goff. Lets go.
  • Miami Dolphins: B
    • The Dolphins took positions they needed. Not a whole lot to talk about here. I do like the Raekwon McMillian pick.
  • The Shittest Team in the NFL. Fuck the Vikings, fuck the Twin Cities, fuck the ENTIRE FUCKING STATE OF MINNESOTA: No grade cause go fuck yourself.
    • Oh, so you think Dalvin Cook is the next AP? It’s too bad that he’s a Florida boy and by the time he gets through his first North-West winter, he’ll demand a trade to the much cooler Green Bay climate.
  • New England Patriots:B+
    • They only took four guys and they’ll probably still make it to the Super Bowl.
  • New Orleans Saints: A-
    • The Saints had a great draft. They took a shit-ton of play-making athletes, which they are dying for, and they improved their offense a whooooooooole lot with Alvin Kamura and most importantly Ryan Ramczyk.
  • New York Giants: C+
    • I think most Giants fans will love the Davis Webb pick in a few years, but besides Webb, Dalvin Tomlinson, and MAAAAYYYYBBEEE Evan Engram, I don’t really see any guys that will contribute substantially to the G-Men.
  • New York Jets: B-
    • The Jets are obviously committed to rebuilding their secondary by signing Morris Claiborne. As well as taking two DB’s consecutively in the first and second rounds, and then took two more in the 6th round to compete with one another. New York still needs an offensive linemen, linebackers, and possibly a QB (Even though I’m convinced that the Jets front office thinks that Christian Hackenberg is the future). Good luck, Jets fans.
  • 2017-2018 AFC Champions (Oakland Raiders): A+
    • I love with the Raiders do Raiders type shit, like taking a CB with possible off-the-field issues. Jack Del Rio gained lot of playmakers for the defense, and a ton of help for the O-line. Go get a Super Bowl, Oakland.
  • The 2nd Worst City in the United States (Philadelphia Eagles): B+
    • I really have never liked the Eagles or the City of Philadelphia as a whole, but this was a pretty decent draft. Taking Sidney Jones from the Alpha DB-University (Washington) was a plus, and I like Derek Barnett. I’m really interested to see how Donnel Pumphrey works out, as well.
  • Pittsburgh Steelers: A
    • Yeah, the Steelers are going to be good this year, and for the foreseeable future. Josh Dobbs is the next Big Ben, JuJu Smith-Schuster is an abso-fucking-lutely incredible athlete, and TJ Watt…Well, for the rest of the NFL’s sake, I hope he’s a bust. James Connor is also a heart-warming storyline.
  • San Francisco 49ers: A-
    • Holy defensive playmakers, John Lynch. This draft is great momentum for the 49ers going into the upcoming season. Probably should of fit an offensive lineman somewhere in there though. Still, I’d be excited, 49er fans.
  • Seattle Seahawks: B
    • All the Seacocks did was add depth to the Legion of Two Above Average Safeties Who Can’t Seem To Stay Healthy Anymore Because All They Do Is Go For Cheap Ass Shots On Receivers. Nothing out of the ordinary or remotely interesting. Typical Pete Carroll draft.
  • Tampa Bay Buccaneers: B+
    • I like how the Bucs are putting talented receiving threats all around Jameis Winston, but taking Jeremy McNichols in the 5th will prove to be HUGE. OJ Howard is Antonio Gates and Gary Barnidge combined (AKA, he’s the second coming of Christ).
  • Tennesse Titans: A
    • There’s not a whole lot to not like about the Titans draft. Adoree’ Jackson and Corey Davis will prove to be immediate contributors, while the rest of the picks will either add depth, or have high potential. Future of the AFC South.
  • Washington Redskins: B-
    • The only reason this isn’t an D is because Jonathan Allen AND Ryan Anderson fell into the Redskins lap. Jonathan Allen immediately fits into the Skin’s scheme defensively, and Ryan Anderson will provide an explosion that hasn’t been seen in D.C since RG-No Knees blew all of the ligaments in his knee into minuscule pieces.

 

Well guys, that’ll do it. Stay hard,

 

~ Sonny

Leonard

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