It’s here. My favorite week of the year where binge drinking to country music is no longer just me and some buddies porch drinkin’ and playing darts. No, for this week there are literally thousands in Wisconsin that will flood their Spotify and Apple Music playlists with the likes of Blake Shelton and Florida Georgia Line just to come across to their friends as “country” or “hick” for one week a year. It’s a glorious week filled with all kinds of drama and plenty of bad decisions. Sooooooooo in light of that I’ve decided to come up with ten questions that will be answered sometime this week. After the week there will be a recap. Oh baby there’s always a recap. Without further bullshit here’s my ten……..
Ahh the golden question that can make or break your week, depending on your dedication to blatant alcoholism. In the past Mother Nature has been a passive aggressive bitch in letting it rain the week before the festival and just completely fucking the grounds leading to a muddy shitshow of a time. Well the gracious bitch has reared her ugly head again as the Fox Valley got drilled with aggressive storms in the past week with more on the horizon early this week. Pack your boots kids. It’s gunna get real moist.
2. Who will be the one person from your high school who you never thought would drink get shit rocked for one night?
There’s always one. Maybe she was the quiet girl who was always attentive in class. Or maybe he was the athlete who swore he’d never drink and was chasing that D1 Scholarship. Well that quiet girl has graduated and is face down puking up vodka lemonade in a port-a-potty and that athlete, yea he was arrested for trying to fight security. It’s a common occurrence and almost never ends well so enjoy the spectacle at hand.
Now this is obviously different for guys and girls. For the boys it’s going to get you praise from your friends, maybe some minimal backlash from some females and in extreme cases a really awkward doctor’s appointment due to a “rash”. For the ladies, I apologize. You won’t get the same. Expect the guys to be around you all week which may seem great at the time but quickly will turn into hate from the rest of your female counterparts. Slut shaming is a real thing and it’s just not gunna change any time soon. Sorry ladies, bank on free drinks ig?
3. What family friend/teacher will you run into and have to have a blacked out conversation with?
This is one I’ve been able to avoid with many of my teachers from high school being very religious and would never think to step foot on the hallowed grounds. Others haven’t been so lucky. I’ve heard plenty of horror stories of people seeing teachers or family friends and having to have a conversation with them trying to conceal that you’re half a rack deep and just bought a quad shot of Fireball. I’d say if you’re graduated you’ll be fine. If there’s a teacher that would snitch on you for underage drinking it’s your fault for not avoiding them like the plague. If you aren’t outa Hell yet you better gtfo. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer…… that works here right?
4. What night will you lose your ride home?
I’ve been lucky and have had the same ride setup for the past two years (shoutout Tina, ily). Others haven’t been so lucky. It seems like every year someone frantically comes up to me during or after the show asking if my ride has any room. Best shot? Find some mom’s like my buddy Brad did. They would love to take you back to your home safely. Also it helps if you’re cute as fuck like Brad, hey, they might just bang you (they didn’t bang Brad)
5. Will you get that golden ticket? (Underage)
The most commonly addressed of all. Will I get an underage? I’m going to jinx the fuck out of this but whatever, I’m due for one. I haven’t had an underage yet and every year it seems as though the only think crossing my mind when walking in is, “Am I good rn? Yea I’m good”. This happy go lucky attitude has gotten me 20 years without a ticket. Be careful with the pesky security guards. Most of all though, DON’T SHARE YOUR FUCKING DRINK WITH YOUR FRIENDS. That just screams “I’m giving alcohol to minors!” Whether you’re 21 or not it’s an easy way to get a nice hefty fine.
6. What will my parents think?
This one varies. One of the many great things about our state is that, for the most part, when you graduate high school it’s socially acceptable to get all pissed up whenever you want. There are a few however who aren’t as lucky. So to you few and to you high schoolers out there, have fun masking your obvious hangover to mom and dad. Invest in some Gatorades and slip in a water or two before bed. Don’t let anything fool you. Sleep is the best hangover cure.
So listen here you sick fucks. In my experiences, I usually won’t get back to Appleton until at least 2am. But for you night owls that need to tend to your addiction to rage on until the wee hours of the morning there are so many options. Go home, hit the bars, go to a friend’s place. You really can’t go wrong. The bars are dangerous, especially in Oshkosh….. Home is where your bed is and it can be the best option……. if you’re softer than baby shit. Then there are the afterparties. Not just regular after parties, SLOPPY ASS after parties. A day of binge drinking leading into a late night leads to a tough week. Pace is key.
8. Will I Make It To Work?
Prolly not. If you do you’ll be hungover. Suck it up buttercup.
You’d think a country festival wouldn’t bring out the Devil’s Lettuce but oh that couldn’t be more wrong. The presence of the green stuff is forever evident when you start to smell that funky skunky smell midway through Blake Shelton belting out Sangria. If you haven’t mastered the cross fade lookout bitch, it’s #SpinsSzn
10. How much money will I spend on drinks?
If you haven’t heard yet, drinks at CUSA are RIDICULOUSLY expensive. Like $10 or more a drink. If you’re like me, you just pregame, bring a flask, buy your mixer of choice and let er rip all night baby.
To all of you who are planning on going there is one serious thing. Drinking and driving is completely stupid and you’re endangering yourself and others. Use Über as a failsafe but remember it is expensive. Have backup plans and stay safe my friends.