- 76ers: Markelle Fultz (G)
What happens to every top three 76ers draft pick, who is chalked full of potential, before they ever step foot on a NBA hardwood? For lack of some better words, they just die, are buried 10 feet under, and pay sports media outlets to tweet hints that they might come back after All-Star Weekend just to stay in some kind of relevance with the fans. It was Embiid’s and Simmons’ feet, but for Markelle, it’s unquestionably his sever Chick-fil-A addiction. He’ll be too busy smashing 15 chicken sandwiches pregame that by the game starts, he’ll be passed out, hugging the puke filled toilet in the women’s restroom. No doubt this pattern continues for 82 games straight.
2. Lakers: Lonzo Ball (G)
Lonzo Ball’s rookie season writes itself to the point that my whole life seems fake even though I lived it, just because it’s so perfectly planned out. He’s born in California to an ex-college basketball player. He grows to 6-6 and leads his Chino Hills High School, 50 minutes outside LA, basketball team, featuring his two brothers, to a state title. He attends UCLA and brings them deep into the NCAA tournament as a Naismith finalist. Then he is drafted to his hometown Los Angeles Lakers, 2nd overall, as the first pick of the Magic Johnson era. He literally wrote his life and then lived it. Oh wait, that’s right. His dad did. Lonzo only plays in 41 games, all away, as LaVar steals his jersey and attempts to replace him on the court for him every home game.
3. Celtics: Jayson Tatum (F)
Is Jayson Tatum the least hyped #1 overall pick of all time?
Ainge said via ESPN:
“We think there’s a really good chance the player we’ll take at [No.] 3 is the same player we would have taken at [No.] 1. So this was a great opportunity to acquire an impactful asset.”
Ainge said it himself, Tatum would’ve been #1 if he was doing the drafting. I don’t know where the 76ers get off drafting Fultz, but apparently they fucked up, and Ainge knew they would. I think this is actually more of a pat on the back for Tatum because he managed to hide his #1 overall pick potential for two spots so he could go play on an Eastern Conference Finals team instead of the 76ers or Lakers. But maybeee, by being the real #1 pick, he actually still acquires all the pressure of being in that spot and will quickly develop into the new Kwame Brown as he rides pine behind Jae Crowder and Jaylen Brown.
Suns: Josh Jackson (F)
If I’m a player on the Phoenix Mercury, I’m thinking twice about driving my car to the facilities because apparently Mr. Jackson likes bashing on every women’s basketball player’s car he can lay his hands on. This is a major red flag for two reasons. First, what does this mean about mens basketball player’s cars, because he’s going to have a lot of teammates with new Bentley’s and Porsche’s just asking a wide-eyed Josh Jackson to just start fucking swinging. That’s a major locker room problem. Second, since he’s an elite athlete, I’m thinking that he’s punching these cars with his bare fists. He probably looked at a baseball bat or a crowbar, shook his head, and said “You don’t take a tool to do a man’s job” before just wailing on people’s cars. Josh Jackson will pull a 2016 Blake Griffin, but instead of breaking his hand for punching people, it will be for cars. Have a nice sit on the DL, Mr. Jackson.
5. Kings: DeAaron Fox (G)
It’s the first Kings vs Lakers game in the Staples Center. The first time of De’Aaron vs Lonzo in the big city of LA, the first time playing since De’Aaron man-handled Lonzo in the NCAA tournament. Too bad neither of them are playing. Remember, this is the 2017-18 season during an LA home game. That means LaVar will have stolen Lonzo’s jersey and will be starting for the Lakers that night. The ref will throw the tip, and Aaron Fox, De’Aaron Fox’s Dad, will sprint on the court to play LaVar to get the title of best NBA Rookie Son. Nobody will be able to get the two off the court as they play 1-on-1 to 100 in a 3 hour bonanza. Lonzo will get the benefit-of-the-doubt as nobody can control LaVar, but De’Aaron gets hit with a season ending penalty for disgracing the game of basketball.
Aaron Fox- “My son already ate his ass up twice,” Aaron Fox says of Lonzo Ball. “[LaVar] can say what he wants to say. I just tell him to go back and watch the film. That’s it. All that yap, yap, yapping, I don’t even got to respond to that. We played them twice. Twice his son got outplayed. I always tell [De’Aaron], let your game speak for it. You ain’t got to talk. You ain’t got to fuss.”
6. Magic: Jonathan Isaac (F)
Victor Oladipo Round 1, Pick 2 (2013), Aaron Gordon Round 1, Pick 4 (2014), Dario Saric Round 1, Pick 12 (2014), Mario Hezonja Round 1, Pick 5 (2015), and Domantas Sabonis Round 1, Pick 11 (2016). Has had success as Russell Westbrook’s defensive sidekick on the Oklahoma City Thunder, a Dunk Championship Runner-Up, good young piece for the Philadelphia 76ers, started 7 games for the Magic, and sits bench for the Oklahoma City Thunder. Magic draft picks have two roads to choose from. Either they get traded and become a core piece of something potentially special (Oladipo and Saric) or they do nothing with their first few years while clinging onto the developing tag for dear life (Gordon and Hezonja). Isaac, the player with largest floor to ceiling differential, was thrown into a cave of potential sucking wolves. So, he’s looking like the latter. The 6’10, 200 pound, 19 year old is being trained by a coaching, training, and nutrition staff that very possibly might be a group of witches that just cast spells on a strapped down player hoping to make him better, but actually just give them muscle atrophy then decide to keep or trade them. Jonathan Isaac will be in trade rumors all year long until the trade deadline, where nobody pulls the trigger, and he just defers open shots by passing it to Elfrid for wide open brick threes.
7. Bulls: Lauri Markkanen (F)
Dirk Nowitzki is a 7’0″, 245 pound, foreign, power forward that can shoot the 3. Andrea Bargnani is a 7’0″, 249 pound, foreign, power forward that can shoot the 3. Lauri Markkanen is a 7’0″, 250 pound, foreign, power forward that can shoot the 3. In the 1998 Draft, Dirk Nowitzki was drafted by the Milwaukee Bucks and traded to the Mavericks. In the 2006 Draft, Andrea Bargnani was drafted by the Toronto Raptors and traded to the New York Knicks in 2013. In the 2017 Draft, Lauri Markkanen was drafted by the Minnesota Timberwolves and traded to the Chicago Bulls. I don’t know about you, but I’m seeing some dots that have been connected. Which one of the players above isn’t like the other one? Yes, Lauri Markkanen has started his career in the exact same way as Dirk Nowitzki meaning they will eventually become exactly the same player. Meaning, Markkanen’s rookie season will go to the tune of 8.2 ppg, 3.4 rbs, and 20.4 mpg in 47 games compared to 11.6 ppg, 3.9 ppg, and 25.1 mpg in 65 games.
8. Knicks: Frank Ntilikina (G)
There’s nothing really bad to bring up about this pick. In recent memory, i.e. since 2015, every foreign top 10 pick by Knicks President Phil Jackson has gone on to average 18.1 ppg, 7.2 rpg, and 2.0 bpg in their sophomore season. That’s production if I’ve ever seen it. I mean how can a Phil Jackson foreign draft pick fail?
Nothing about trying to trade a top 5 asset in the league presently or sleeping during NBA draft pick workouts even close to throws me off. I cannot stress enough the fact that Phil has 100% accuracy in these types of situations. Ntilikina will be a stud since day 1.
9. Mavericks: Dennis Smith Jr. (G)
Back in 2012, Dennis Smith Jr. was 14 years old. He tweeted the tweet above when he was in 8th grade. Do you know what I was doing an 8th grade? I was working on just getting my first kiss, going to Valley Fair for reward day, and hoping I didn’t shit myself on my first day of high school. But Dennis Smith Jr. was on a whole different level. Who would’ve guessed that he would’ve been that dedicated to baseball, that he carried a bat around in his pocket 24/7. The kid only thought about the man who he would be in the future and the profession he had. I have no idea how he got into the game of basketball and became a first round pick, never-the-less a top 10 pick. He’s just as versatile as they come. I’m guessing that love for baseball is still deep down their somewhere. Dennis Smith Jr’s 2016-17 season will never start because he’ll go back to NC State, start slangin wood on the baseball team, and be starting for the Twins by 2021.
10. Trail Blazers: Zach Collins (F/C)
What’s Collin’s most talked about flaw? Analysts and insiders can’t get passed the fact that his stat line isn’t great because he didn’t play that much until the NCAA tournament. I kinda agree with them as well. He’s a bit of an unheralded player. However, guess what NBA superstar shares about the exact same stat line as him. Karl. Anthony. Towns. Mr. Snubbed All NBA 3rd Team Center.
Towns in college: 39 games, 21.1 mpg, 10.3 ppg, .566%, 6.7rbg, and 2.3 bpg.
Collins in college: 39 games, 17.3 mpg, 10.0 ppg, .652%, 5.9 rbg, and 1.8 bpg.
I’m not saying Collins is Towns, but then again maybe I am. I think his freshman season will look eerily similar.
11. Hornets: Malik Monk (G)
Fell to #11 to Michael Jordan’s team. Is it fair to say the GOAT fell to #3 to the Chicago Bulls. Is it fair to say they’ll be the same player? They play the same position? You tell me.
12. Pistons: Luke Kennard (G)
WHAT DO YOU MEAN HITTING WIDE OPEN THREES IN MY NBA WORKOUTS DOESN’T MEAN I’LL BE THE NEXT STEPH CURRY. THE FUCK?!?!?!?!?